I was shocked and appalled to see Matt Renshaw retire hurt, (or more accurately, retire - squirts) on the first day of Australia's first test in India. What on earth has happened to the Australian cricket team?
In 1986, Australia played a test in Madras that resulted in only the second tied test in cricket history. In that match, Dean Jones batted for more than ten hours to make an incredible double century. Undoubtedly, this is one of the greatest innings made by any batsperson (yes, I said it) in the history of the game. Why? I'll tell you why.
For most of the game, the pitch temperature was over fifty degrees. That would be enough to flatten most people. English cricketers have been known to expire when the mercury reaches twenty-seven. But the real courage came when Jones started to feel unwell. Soon, he was vomiting. And things only got worse.
But did Jones go off? No. For hour after hour, he batted with grim, dizzied determination, shitting himself at least once an over. His creams were an oily brown. His legs, shaking and contorting wildly, flung poo at the poor bastards fielding in close every time Jones was able to squelch up and down the wicket for runs.
Why did Jones do this? Why did he put himself (and all those within nose-shot) through six kinds of hell? Because ALAN BORDER was at the other end.
Alan Border is possibly the toughest, meanest son-of-a-bitch to ever play a professional sport. To intimidate an opponent, Border once ripped off and ate one of his own testicles. And this was just for a game of table-tennis at a barbecue with friends. Imagine what he might have done if he was playing against his brother and not his niece. And then imagine how seriously this man takes test cricket. You bat until you die. It's that simple.
At Border's urging, Dean Jones pushed himself as close to this final limit as anyone has ever voluntarily done (vale, Philip Hughes) in the history of the game. By the end of his innings, Jones had lost seventeen kilos, turned the pitch into a hill of shit, and made 210 runs. He was delirious, required hospitalisation, and had not fully recovered by the end of the entire tour. (That last sentence - 100% fact.)
You don't retire hurt for a bit of poo. You snarl, and crap, and keep batting. Better yet, reach down, grab a handful, and smear it on like warpaint. That will show the locals you mean business.
Renshaw needs to step up. That was a shameful display, and coming out to resume your innings wearing an adult nappy does not offset the cowardly shame of the initial act of capitulation one iota. We as a nation expect better.
I for one, hope the Australians are going out of their way to drink water straight from Indian gutters. I want their bodies swimming with lethal bacteria. Good, honest fighting bacteria.
We're in India. Dysentery is a way of life. Bring on the flood.