English cricket fans - specifically those who are crying foul at the fair and legitimate dismissal of Johnny Bairstow - are being held to account first and foremost by those who actually understand the rules of cricket. It's pretty simple, really; stay in your crease until the umpire calls 'over'. It's not hard. Primary school cricketers know this. I know this because that's when I learned it. I didn't learn it the hard way, but a teammate did. His name was Malcolm Harrison. He simply wandered out of his crease, the keeper took the bails off, the appeal was made, and Mal was given out. And that was that. No recall, no tears, no 'spirit of the game' bullshit.
In the same match, Australia copped the decision to consider Starc's catch not out. And though I know some disagree with me, I don't reckon it was out, either. You can't run the ball along the ground! But does it matter what I think? No, it does not. It matters what the umpires think. It's their game; we're just playing it. Spirit of the game, my arse. Until you're a Gilly and commit to walking when out, you can zip it. The spirit of the game is Nathan Lyon going out to bat on one leg. I thought it extremely telling that Kevin Peterson - that bloviating, uber-biased asshat - suggested that Lyon might have been trying to get concussed in order to get subbed out. Good onya, KP. Nice to know that your brain works like that. It helped me remember that due to England's exploitation of the substitute fielder rules back in 2005, the ICC had to change those rules. Remind me, KP; was that in the spirit of the game?
Bairstow made a mistake any kid in a dopey moment could make. For a test cricketer, I reckon it would feel a bit humiliating. Perhaps that's the issue here. Bairstow has made a kid's blunder, and his supporters - so invested in their 'bazball' hype - simply cannot accept that it's all come to nothing. Hubris is a funny thing. You can talk and talk and talk, but in the end, it's what happens on the ground that matters.
And as for the conduct of the wankers in the MCC, I hope they have their memberships rescinded. Now there's an example of frothing, self-important incredulity if ever I've seen it. Their contempt for the rules and their need to attack their opponents or the umpire to justify their own poor judgement, in betting so heavily and with such confidence on what's turned out to be a losing hand, reminds me of nothing so much as Boris Johnson, that rancid little tantrum-throwing toddler. Clearly, there must be something in the water.
In fact, now I think of it, there has actually been a water crisis England of late. Perhaps the real issue is that Johnson shat in it? It would certainly explain the explosion of discombobulation and the haze of rage that's clouding the air of the long room like a detonated stink bomb.
England haven't been playing Bazball; they've been playing Bozball! A game built on bluster over substance, on ego over execution. They've talked themselves up endlessly and failed utterly to deliver. And like all good Bozzers, they've made sure that the buck stops with everyone but themselves.
And yet it changes nothing. Australia are 2-0 up. Winning the remaining three tests is a tall order, but anything's possible. Let's see if they've got the mettle to give it a red hot go.