Trigger Warning - Suicide & Depression

It breaks your heart.

Two brothers, twins, gone within months of one another. It's incomprehensible. It truly is.

We are not wired to process suicide, especially those of us who have children. It is seriously challenging for parents to see suicide beyond the lens of the infinite love we feel for our children. The thought of hurting them, shattering their lives with our self-inflicted deaths seems unthinkable. We can even go so far as to call it selfish.

But it isn't. The things above that we are likely to think and feel are wrong. Suicide is not self-inflicted in the way many assume it to be. It is the end point of an illness, of a horror-beyond horrors that most of us will never know, but yet all too many of us still do.

I can tell you from experience that mental illness is exhausting. I don't mind admitting that. I'm in a much better place than many, but some things never go away entirely. Feeling you're not feeling the way you're supposed to is draining beyond belief. And when you have loved ones who depend on you, it can come with feelings of guilt and shame. Others find themselves feeling nothing at all, which can be just as unbearable.

Only those closest to us know - to some extent - what we feel when we are unwell in any capacity. But physical, mental or emotional, illness and pain are private sufferings. At best they can be observed through their symptoms. And until these become visible, the suffering is within. I often think of a shopping trolley with a bung wheel. If we get one, we work extra hard to make it work properly. Others do not see the effort. They subsequently struggle to understand or appreciate our moods, our shorter tempers, our disproportionate reactions, our withdrawals.

Eventually for the unluckiest of us, it can overwhelm. And it's down to luck, I think, because none of it is deserved, none of it consequential of our actions. You can't smoke your way to soul cancer. And when people reach this place, normalised rules of rationality no longer apply. The concept of selfishness is an absurdity, because to all intents and purposes, the 'self' as it once was, no longer exists. There is nothing of value. One's presence in the lives of others seems worse than one's absence. In the most twisted and horrible of ways, people can come to genuinely believe that the best thing that they can do for others as much as themselves is to disappear.

When Atticus Finch spoke of the necessity to walk a mile in a man's shoes before passing judgement on him, he didn't have in mind those who find themselves looking into their mirror of self and seeing nothing there. He couldn't. You can't walk a mile in the shoes of someone who takes their own life. You just can't.

The best you can do is reset the belief - a completely understandable one born of uncomprehending anger - that suicide is a selfish act. It is not. It's the loss of a seemingly unwinnable fight. Anyone can exhaust their internal reserves. We can only hope and pray that we not one of those who do.

My heart aches for the Selwood family. The prospect of losing your children or a parent as a child form the core of our worst fears. If there is comfort be found, it can only be found in the truths of depression and suicide; they are not the fault of the victim, nor are they an indicator of selfishness should the sufferer succumb to their pain, any more than one would consider the death of someone with cancer a selfish act. You have not failed to love them enough or support them enough. They don't blame you for anything. Their love for you, their loved ones, never falters. Rather, it is the love for themselves that collapses, and this is the true intangible necessity that keeps us all alive.

Please treat others with love and kindness. Bump someone with a wonky wheel and they can crash. Approach life gently. Be patient with those you know are struggling. And if you are struggling, please keep trying. You ARE worth it, no matter what your evil disease is telling you. Those who love you will carry you forever if you let them, and they will feel grateful for the chance.

You are, and will always be, worthy and deserving of love.

Lifeline:

Available 24 hours/7 days a week

Call 13 11 14

Text 0477 13 11 14