I'm proudly Australian. I'm not a flag-waving Australian, but that's more to do with a personal disdain for vexillology, rather than any sentiments unpatriotic.
I raise this point, simply as qualification for the criticism I'm about to make concerning those who choose to put "f*ck-off we're full" stickers on their cars. (It's long been an ambition of mine to place "sorry, we're fools" stickers right over the top of those inane declamations.)
I'd wager that many of those stickers are directed at those who choose to wear burkas. Not since the halcyon days of leggings (or possibly shoes with zippers) has a sartorial choice raised so many eyebrows. (Not that you can really tell if an eye-brow is raised under a burqa, but I digress.)
I wonder what's really at the root of all this burqa palaver. Some folks claim that burkas could be concealing terrorists. I suppose that is true, but then the terrorists that most concern me aren't buying halal meat from suburban supermarkets; they're too well-financed for that, and they tend to wear suits anyways.
Others claim that the burqa is the embodiment of Islamist sexism and it exemplifies the oppression of women that can be found all too readily within the extreme ranks of this otherwise tolerant religion. Now, only in a nation obsessed with flesh and sex can the concealment of a woman's body and face be so unilaterally linked with sexism. Personally, I care deeply about the subjugation of women in any form and in any culture, but I find it hard to believe that such noble sentiments are at the heart of the intolerance that abounds in the 'burbs.
To counter this, it is hereby proposed that the burqa become mandatory for all Australians - be they male or female - at all times.
I mean, honestly, what's not to like about the burqa? It offers excellent sun protection, which seems decidedly prudent where melanomas are almost as virulent as Kyle Sandilands.
Even more appealing, it breeds a healthy sense of mistrust; I mean, if you were a cowardly thug, you'd go after little old ladies when you saw them tottering home from the shops. But if everyone was in a burqa, your little old lady could turn out to be a fit, agile and deadly ninja. I don't reckon you'd risk trying to swipe someone's pension ever again.
We'd lose the class discrimination so prevalent in Australia. Expensive suits and lame tracky-dacks could both still be worn, but they'd all come out looking much the same once they're covered with a nice black burqa. Or a coloured burqa! Who says they need to be black? I'd quite fancy a nice blue and gold burka that I could wear during the footy season, or a nice maroon one to wear next time Australia plays the West Indies in the cricket.
And if you really want to abolish sexism, cover both genders, at least until we learn how to see a person for who they really are. The burqa - and our distaste for it - stems from our insecurities. Maybe we all need to see the world a little differently.
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